Something is feeling quite wrong and i don’t know if its an urge to do something creative or have a good hug
And it feels weird good.
Developing the ability to piss other people off (or even to RISK pissing them off) without knuckling under is pretty much the Holy Grail of emotionally abused kids, I think. We are programmed to respond at the first sign of displeasure, and we don’t have the faith in ourselves and our decisions to weather the storm– or even a mild sprinkle– so we tend to freak out as if the world was ending if a cloud crosses the sun. We freak out about the possibility that we’re wrong, that we’re doing the wrong things, that we’re making the wrong choices, that we’ll make someone angry, because there’s this awful certainty lurking at the back of our minds that says “If you do the wrong thing, you will be in TROUBLE.” And being in TROUBLE is the worst thing, ever, because that part of our brain is forever three years old where our parents are our whole world and being in TROUBLE is the end of everything.
It takes a lot of practice to gain that sort of gut-level knowledge that we’re strong enough to handle this stuff and that the world doesn’t end if someone else is angry at us. It’s not an innate quality that some people have and some don’t; people who grow up in non-abusive homes learn it when they’re young, is all, and the rest of us have to learn it when we’re grown up. And it sucks, and it’s not fair, and it’s not fun, but there’s no getting around it, and you can do it, you CAN.
You can piss people off.
You can be wrong.
You can fuck up.
You can do stuff that everyone thinks is weird.
AND IT IS ALL OKAY. The world won’t end. You will still be a good person. And the likelihood is that most of the things you do WON’T be wrong, and WON’T piss people off, and WON’T be up-fuckery, and WON’T be weird, but if it is? The hell with it; fix it, if necessary, and move on.
Because it is dangerous to ignore the existence of the irrational. The more cultivated a person is, the more intelligent, the more repressed, then the more he needs some method of channeling the primitive impulses he’s worked so hard to subdue.
Altohugh my tutor’s comments have improved from “not your finest hour suky”, to “not without merit… albiet in a loosely structure manner”.
I was home alone for the evening and so I took a bath and ate custard with tiger bread and walked around with a face mask on and watched We Bought A Zoo and cried quite a bit during all of those things because all my lifestuff at the moment is making me sad/stressed.
I can’t even express it properly it’s all a tangle. I feel really alone in it. Got decisions to make and motivation to find.
running out of steam in all of the things
As weak and short and small and all of the physical things that I am. why is it that my feet are smaller than a thirteen year old’s, why can the dog pull me over, why am I made to have to shout at the top of my lungs to get the attention of year nines, who are about a foot taller than me?
Why do I have to spend my life relying on people to reach things on shelves, carry things for me and walk slower so I can keep up?
Why was I made weak and small?
Why does my disposition and personality have to match? I’m almost invisible!
Why, on top of this do I have to be burdened with a chronic illness at 17, which makes me even more reliant on people for accommodation and care?
I can’t gain weight, I can’t build muscle, and I definitely can’t grow! I can’t make up for it in boisterousness, can’t realistically just talk louder and anyway, my voice gets tired pretty quickly and when it does, I talk quieter than usual with much more effort.
Why wasn’t I built so I could defend myself? Look after myself?
In some part I can understand why God might want me to learn to depend on people more, in the way of putting down my pride. But, this seems a little unfair.
I feel unsafe a lot around men because in the past my small and weak-ness has been taken advantage of by those that can very easily, should they choose to, overpower me. If I were able I’d keep myself in better physical shape so I’d feel less vulnerable when walking home at night. I’m sure I’d feel less at the mercy of those around me in general if I were 5’7” rather than 5’2”. Just more of a presence in the space I take up would be nice!